Monday, April 25, 2011

how i want to remember...

until i see her again.

we sure miss you, heidi. can't believe it has been a year.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

some things don't change

A year ago, April 24th, 2010:

Today, April 24th, 2011, I came home from the gym this morning to this:

still a good daddy. :) i'm blessed.
----------- update-------
so, i just realized it is april 23rd today, not 24th. well, i guess it goes with the theme that some things don't change.

Friday, April 22, 2011

don't know a title

we are a few short days away from the year anniversary of heidi's death. honestly, this has been the hardest "landmark" yet, for me. birthdays, holidays, etc., for me are a way to remember her life and who heidi was - and remembering who she was is good. but thinking about this time of year we are sorta forced to have to think about her death. not quite as pleasant. so, it has been hard.

april 25th was a hellish day - to be quite blunt. our life forever changed. so, for me, i just need to take some time this morning and think of the amazing things that happened to us (specifically me, pete and henry) on that day. cause although it was a day of sorrow, when i look back i can see glimpses of how God used others to sustain us-and that is pretty amazing.

although the day is for the most part a blur, here are just a few things i remember. i remember that our friends aaron and jeanette took henry for the day, no questions, we just passed him over. i remember pete's former boss, paul, showing up on our doorstep, giving us subway sandwiches, praying with us and mowing our yard (pretty sure he had to make at least an hour drive and has three young boys of his own.)

i remember two couples from our small group at church (justin/alyson, bobby/lana) showing up for free hugs. i remember our friends jen and aubrey bringing us dinner. i remember at least three pastors calling us from church to check in. i remember picking up henry and him being all smiles and how good it was to have him for some sense of normalcy. and those are just a few of the things i remember of that day specifically.

honestly, amongst pain, i find joy in knowing God was taking care of us - miles and miles away from our families. Pretty much everyday I still constantly think about my mother in law's words, "we aren't promised an easy life; but that God will be with us." from the positive things i remember on that day, i know it is true.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

if h was a little older...

-he could probably give me some organizational tips. Some of you know, I asked for some gardening tips on facebook. Then, I saw these little basil and cilantro pots at Target, in the luring dollar section. Of course I thought, well, this may be the start I need. You know - baby steps.

After I carefully put the packets on the table, I had a genius idea. Why not label the pots, with a sharpie, so I don't forget which is which? Gosh, I'm smart. Well, pride came before fall cause you will notice a little word before each now, "not." ah. oh well. Cheers to my gardening start.

Friday, April 8, 2011

all in a hard morning's work

You probably know this, but Henry loves animals, specifically zoo/wild animals. Besides a quick break to the park today, this is what he did from wake til nap.

loadin' up to go to a new location:

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


april is here. it is weird how just the sounds and smells of a certain month can bring back so many vivid memories in such a blurry time.

when one experiences death there are certain landmarks that come around the corner-birthdays, holidays, random days that take you by surprise. i think the weirdest one for me is still lurking. the year date. i guess part of me just still can hardly believe that this loss is indeed a reality.

memories are so clear that i feel like they were just yesterday. i don't want to believe that it has really been almost a year since they ceased.

honestly, i don't understand death. especially losing someone how we did, i still have lots of questions. but, i do know that it has made me long for heaven. i believe more than ever that this world is not my home.

i am not afraid to talk about our loss. in fact, it is healing to remember and share. but sometimes the grief lies just below the surface enough that i am afraid it might come spewing out like a broken dam.

grief makes you feel like a weirdo sometimes. there are moments when i think i should buck up and others where i allow myself to feel.

but anyway, april is here.

although it reminds me of death, it is also making me want to soak up the life around me. we had a super warm day today and henry and i slid down as many slides as possible. we missed a couple of "times" today. naptime, dinnertime, and bedtime were a little later cause we were just having a nice time being together. i cannot tell you how much this little life has brought healing. i thank God for him. he makes april a little bit sweeter.

Friday, April 1, 2011


It is clear that to Moose (our cat), making friends is easy.

(the two squirrel ones were taken just today!)